shu

Plans. Something to get you to where you wanna be.

I used to have plans. But they weren't for getting me to something, more like getting me away from something. I used to think about my plan in every spare moment, because, of course I wanted to make sure that it wouldn't fail. That my plan would succeed.

But what happens when the thing I wanted to get away from leaves my life because of another incident? Suddenly all the plans I made were of no use to me anymore. Not because it wasn't a good feasible plan, but because I knew it was a much longer timeline to happiness, to a life of my choice.

Now? I have no plans. I believe that trying to get away from something is much stronger motivation than aiming towards something. People will tell you to reach for the stars. And you may try, try quite hard in fact, but you won't try as hard if the ground around you was filled with rotting rubbish rather than the tiled floor it is now.

After all, the stars are pretty, but the tiled floor ain't so bad. 

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crystalise.

It can't get any better than this.

It can't get any worse than this.

Yet every time such thoughts cross my mind, it does get worse. It does get better.

The bad makes the good that much sweeter. Because the good times go by twice as quickly as the bad times so you gotta enjoy it as much as possible.

People have told me that university life is the best time of your life. There have also been others who would give anything to go back to being a teenager. Then there are those who long for the innocence of childhood.

Whether or not the best times of my life have gone by, I'm happy exactly as I am.

And hopefully continue to be for a long long time. 

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ombre.

I've always sought solace in the written word. From reading it in books or online to writing it out on paper or typing it out on my computer.

While my computer might hold more than half of my attention what with this blog I update, the fanfics I read, updating twitter and facebook (yes I consider that writing, even if it is just a sentence or two). There's still something about physically holding a book to read or holding a pen a putting my thoughts down onto paper. It feels a lot more comforting for some reason, less mechanical and more natural. Like how it is meant to be.

Life nowadays is moving closer towards a technological one. Even I have to admit that I don't read as much as I used to seeing as I spend most of my time glued to my computer screen. Most people now have a kindle or an iPad in which they read on as it is a lot more convenient than carrying a book around. And people don't seem to write anymore as it is definitely more efficient to type everything out onto the computer with it's autocorrect and search functions just in case you want to change something.

From time to time however, when I'm in the mood, I like to sit down and write. While I have been mainly putting my thoughts into blogposts (after all, I've been blogging since 2005), there are moments when I pick up a pen and just pour my thoughts out onto a piece of paper. It might not always be my opinions or thoughts about my day, it may be something completely fictional or descriptive that I just wanted to get out of my system. When I'm done, I promptly scrunch up the paper and throw it away. One thing I dislike is re-reading my work so if it's on paper I chuck it, if it's online I either delete it or just never open up the same file again.

I guess this blog post is mainly to remind myself of how I will always cling to the 'old' ways of reading and writing with paper instead of a screen. 

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in and out.

Is it the norm?

To get bored really easily. When my days get so repetitive that I am constantly looking for something new to preoccupy my mind and time.

Can't really bare the thought of not introducing anything new into my life. Whether it's picking up a new hobby like ballroom dancing or obsessing over a new tv series or trying out a new study venue. There always needs to be something that keeps me from getting bored.

I guess I'm just not use to having a lot of free time on my hands. My whole life has always been packed with activities like ballet, piano, cheer or work. Learning something new every once in a while I guess. Thinking of picking up a language next term.

Wonder how long I can keep this up for though. What if throughout my life I am constantly seeking ways to unbore myself. Not that it's a bad thing, just that it doesn't seem like anyone feels the same way. I see people who can go about their whole lives with the same routine and seem perfectly fine with it.

On a side note. I think this is why I wouldn't do well in a relationship. Cause it would be so bad if I tire of the relationship really quickly. Haha. 

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minion.

Life really is a roller coaster.

To me it isn't in the sense that after bad things happen after good things. I feel it's more of an emotional roller coaster. Not affected by other people, just a personal thing. 

There are moments in life where I'm perfectly content with my life around me. As if at that point in my life I felt that it couldn't get any better. And I really don't think it could.

But how long can that 'high' last? Pretty long I guess. Long enough that after some time, you forget what it's like to feel the 'low' part of life.

You forget the feeling of regret looking back at all the things you should have done. The people you should have kept in contact with. The moments that you should have dragged on for longer. Just a flood of regret as you glance at the past and realise that nothing much has really changed since then. That you're still essentially the same person making the same mistakes in just a slightly different scenario.

Gah. Enough with the emo shit.

Next post will be about Italy! A happy post I promise. 

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panda.

I wonder who's on the other end of the thread?

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so.

After a while, everything is on loop.

No matter how far you try to run, you always end up right back where you started.

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warmth.

Too many fairytales in my head.

Delete them?

Or hope someone will make them come true?

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no matter.

I think sometimes there are just some childhood fears that you will never be able to shake off.

Like how at night I avoid looking into mirrors or out of windows when I'm alone. Just in case I see something other than my own reflection looking back at me =S.

Or how if I watch TV at like 3 in the morning I make sure I sit on the couch against the wall. You'd never know if there's something hiding behind okay.

Despite knowing that these fears seem kinda silly, it's just something I can't get rid off.

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ouch.

It's nice when

you find out that

the reason you felt guilty

was actually all just a mind trick

and that your conscience can now be guilt free!

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gold.

Would you rather step into a place that is so familiar you know it like the back of your hand?

Or perhaps into a foreign place where you know not what to expect?

While some people cling to what's familiar, others are always seeking a new adventure elsewhere.

As for me? I'm torn between both. There are times where all I want to do is keep to what I know. That I'm prepared for pretty much everything that comes my way seeing as nothing can surprise me. Yet there are times when I wanna do things that I wouldn't have thought of doing before just to experience something new.

Most of the time, I compensate. Like when I wanted to cut my hair short. I was actually thinking of it really short as in pixie cut. But when the time came, I just had it cut to chin length.

Sigh. I feel like there are two people living inside me. Though not in an MPD way.

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interview.

I am going to be so annoyed if this waking up at weird times for no reason whatsoever starts again.

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style.

There are too many fine lines in the world.

Too much has become blurred that the only way to make it through is to wing it and hope for the best.

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fireworks.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I'm positively sure of who I am, what's going on in my life and how I'm going to proceed.

Though people say that as you grow older, you mature and become more confident of your identity and where you stand.

I find that as time passes, I get more and more confused with the person I really am and the person I've become.

Perhaps there is no real me. Cause nurture trumps nature.

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lament.

Sometimes I feel very young,

sometimes I feel very old.

So when exactly will I feel my age?

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end.

Everyone is looking for something in life.

Would you rather never find it.

Or realize at the end that you were searching for the wrong thing.

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flower.

Someday,

somebody is going to have to explain to me exactly why having kids is a good thing.

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open.

When will I stop pretending?

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thai.

All of us have insecurities.

But as we grow older, we become more sure of ourselves that after some time we even forget why we felt insecure in the first place.

Yet you know there will always be those moments that remind you just how you felt those many years ago.

And you know what?

I hate those moments.

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cold.

You know, I never used to feel like this.

But now, I think my patience is wearing thin.

And I'm looking for any excuse to be anywhere but here.

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